


Washing Machine Heart

by CrissCrossover



Category: DRAMAtical Murder (Visual Novel), DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Crying, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Men Crying, Rejection, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, insecure clear, no bad ends, unrequited clear/aoba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29469711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrissCrossover/pseuds/CrissCrossover
Summary: A run-through of Clear's memories as he thinks of Aoba-san. How much he had loved him before he was left.This is my first songfic since I was like 13- so sorry if it's kind of bad- Based on the song Washing Machine Heart by Mitski.TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDAL THOUGHTS - Clear doesn't think of committing but he talks about wishing how he had stayed dead after what happened in Oval Tower. If that Triggers you please either don't read or read with caution, thank you!!!!
Relationships: Clear/Seragaki Aoba, Koujaku/Seragaki Aoba
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Washing Machine Heart

_ Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart _ _   
_   
Clear remembers the first time he saw Aoba-san. He remembers before that the first time he heard him. He remembers the need to protect his master- the feeling filling him up to the brim, making him feel like he may explode. He remembers looking into Aoba-san’s window, seeing the light of the moon throw itself across his sleeping face, the light only interrupted by Clear’s own shadow. He remembers feeling like the dark silhouette he made, covering Aoba-san’s features, was a crime that he should pay for. Nobody should cover such a beautiful face as Aoba-san’s.   
  
_ Baby, bang it up inside _ _   
_ _   
_ He remembers meeting Aoba-san. He remembers falling for him- quite literally may he add- all over again. Seeing him in the bright shine of the sun. Seeing him in his colorful jacket, Ren at his side, concern painting his face as he looked down at Clear. Clear could only smile beneath the heavy mask he wore. He could only enjoy the feeling of joy while it lasted.   
  
_ I'm not wearing my usual lipstick _ _   
_ _   
_ Clear remembers the first time Aoba-san had seen his face. He remembers the soft burn of the sulfuric acid which hadn't made its way beneath the mask but had definitely built up along the edges. He had washed it off quickly and his artificial skin wasn't weak enough to be affected in that short time. But Aoba-san, having not known this, was still so gravely worried. He had begged for clear to remove the mask and Clear was just so scared. So scared to disobey his master, so scared to allow his master see his face- the face his grandfather told him was wrong. It seemed as though either way- either choice was a total loss. No matter the choice, Aoba-san would surely hate him forever.   
  
But Aoba-san had been so gentle with him, removing the straps and calmly holding Clears cheeks. Clear remembered the stroke of Aoba-san’s thumb across his cheeks. Clear hadn’t even realised when he started to cry. He remembered the tremble in his own finger tips, making him worried of a malfunction he himself had no way of fixing, but no. It was simply the fear of disappointing the one he held most dear.   
  
_ I thought maybe we would kiss tonight _   
  
He remembered Aoba-san’s kind words, telling him he was handsome. He wasn’t a monster. He had a face. And it was perfect for Aoba-san.   
  
_ Baby will you kiss me already  _ _   
_ _   
_ He remembers Aoba-san’s soft lips against his own, how he felt his heart explode when they connected on such a level. He was so happy, holding Aoba-san so close to him.   
  
_ And toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart  _ _   
_ _ Baby, bang it up inside _ _   
_ _   
_ He remembers shear agony. The pain as he plunged the knife through his metal skull. He remembers breaking himself beyond what he thought was repairable, all for Aoba-san. All for Aoba-san.   
  
He wasn’t scared when he destroyed himself. He was only angry at the possibility he could hurt Aoba-san. He never wanted to be a weapon. He wanted to be Aoba-san’s one and only. And even if this meant he couldn’t have that- it meant that Aoba-san could still be safe.   
  
_ Baby, though I've closed my eyes _   
_   
_ Clear remembers… Well, he wasn’t entirely sure what he remembered.   
  
It certainly wasn’t death.   
  
It was metal walls, people looking at him incredulously as he turned towards them. His head ached worse than it ever had before.    
  
Clear felt panic rise in fear for a moment, that this was what he had attempted to avoid. Was he broken and then repaired just to hurt Aoba-san? Just to use him like Toue had wanted?   
  
But he felt his fear dissipate a bit as Noiz-san walked in. He knew Noiz-san. He was one of Aoba-san’s friends. Noiz-san had simply looked at him and smirked, chuckled, and then spoke, ”Aoba’s gonna get a kick out of this.”   
  
“Is he okay?” Clear had asked frantically. He brought a hand to his throat. His voice wasn’t different- but it sounded very electronic. He wasn’t fixed yet.   
  
“Well,” Noiz-san spoke, quickly and carelessly, though Clear could sense he was ecstatic to have him awake and running. Whether it was because Noiz-san was happy about it or because of something to do with Aoba-san, he wasn’t sure. “Aoba’s been worried sick about you. About all of us really since the tower fell but mostly you and Ren, seeing how you were seemingly dead and Ren was almost certainly dead until like a week ago.”   
  
“Is he hurt though?”   
  
“No- not physically right now. He just started feeling a bit better due to Ren showing up at a hospital on the island. But he’s still been worried about you. Koujaku and I have had to make sure he doesn’t sneak out at night to come snoop around here.” Noiz-san laughed at himself,”Good thing me and Koujaku are both raging insomniacs, huh?”   
  
Clear let out a soft giggle, nodding softly. He stayed quiet, not wanting to bother Noiz-san too much but he looked up to see the teen studying him, “You wanna know when you can see him, right?”   
  
Clear nodded frantically, so hard he thought his head might topple right off his neck.   
“The second we have that voice of yours fixed and we run a few tests to make sure you can use your body properly, I’m taking you to his house so you can see him.”   
  
Clear bounced with excitement at the thought.   
  
_ I know who you pretend I am _ _   
_ _   
_ Clear remembered Aoba-san embracing him in the dead of night, hugging him close. Tears dripping down his cheeks. He remembered him crying softly into Clear’s coat, His jacket becoming wet with tears of joy. He remembers telling Aoba-san someone as beautiful as him shouldn’t cry. As it didn’t suit him to look so sad.   
  
_ I know who you pretend I am _ _   
_ _   
_ Clear remembers the first time Aoba-san didn’t kiss him. The first time he turned his head and gave him a simple “Not right now.”    
  
Clear hadn’t let it be known how much the gesture hurt him.   
_   
_ _ Do mi ti _

_ Why not me? _ _   
_ _   
_ Clear didn’t think that he could simply define the day as a bad day. It was more than that, he recalled. The day Aoba-san told him he was with someone else.    
  
Clear knew Aoba-san loved many of them. He knew of them, sure, but he never even thought that Aoba-san would pick one and  _ only _ one of them.   
  
_ Why not me? _   
  
Looking back though, he should have expected it. Of course it was Koujaku-san. If it was going to be any of them of course it was Koujaku-san. Aoba-san had known him the longest.   
  
It didn’t mean he didn't wish it wasn’t Koujaku-san though.    
  
It didn’t need to be spelled out who Clear wished Aoba-san chose.   
  
_ Do mi ti _

_ Why not me? _   
  
He remembers Aoba-san walking away after that conversation. How Aoba-san had gently kissed his lips one last time before hugging him and walking out. Tears streamed the blue-haired man’s face. Clear resisted the urge to tell him not to cry. He was too scared to sound hypocritical as his own tears fell. He was so scared his voice wouldn’t have worked at all.    
  
He wished he could take it all back. All of it. He wished for a moment that he had not been fixed. Not been brought back. Wished he had been left in Oval Tower to die.    
  
As he watched Aoba-san leave the room it took everything in his power to not turn and yell for him to come back. To beg for him to change his mind.   
  
_ Why not me? _ _   
_ _   
_ Months later, Clear was still lost.    
  
He had moved on from Aoba-san and Koujaku-san’s relationship. He at least told himself that,   
  
Sure. He spent nights thinking of Aoba-san. But y'know, who didn't? Clear was positive Noiz-san and Ren-san and maybe even Mink-san, wherever he was, thought of Aoba-san every night. He was sure they all felt this hurt equally.   
  
He wasn’t special.    
  
Not with how much he felt this hurt.   
  
And certainly not to Aoba-san.   
  
Not to…   
  
Not to Aoba.   
  
_ Do mi ti _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why not me? _ _   
_ _   
_ After all this, after this life he had spent with Aoba. With himself, with the others.    
  
After all this remembering.   
  
He felt like all he could do is remember.   
  
And yet-   
  
That was the one thing he didn’t want to do.    
  
He didn’t want it to hurt anymore.   
  
He didn’t want to remember.   
  
_ Why  _

_ not  _

_ me? _

**Author's Note:**

> AAaaaaaahahaha- I hope this wasnt too bad ; -;


End file.
